4 posts tagged “high school”

The other day I was on my livejournal, I normally don't notice comments on my page unless I check my hotmail account...which is hardly ever. I found one that made me cry. Some person created a journal and he/she goes around and posts on people's LJ's pictures that just say "You Are Beautiful". It amazes me sometimes what three simple words can do to turn a day all around. It amazes me what words can do to make the greatest day go to the worst day in a matter of seconds.

It saddens me when people are not open to others in their life. I went to a baby shower today and we were discussing dorm life and how everyone there hated it...I was the only one who loved it. Because of the socialness and the community aspect. How can you not be open to having/making new friends? Does it really take that much effort to walk up to someone and say hello? Sometimes I feel like people consider friendship a job...something that needs to be worked for and worked at to be maintained. That the rewards in the end are much better than a job could ever offer. How can you look at it that way? Do you need to be rewarded for being friends with a person? Shouldn't the love one gives another friend be enough? I'm questioning alot lately and I suppose one of those things is my "role" as a friend.

I called up my best friend today because we hadn't talked in awhile. Apparently we had not talked in a really long time. College changes things. A lot of things. College changes people. Being here and away from pretty much everyone again...being in yet another different environment, making completley new friends, has changed me once again. I've come to realize that that whole drinking lifestyle and partying thing doesn't go well with me. It clashes with alot of things in my life, and the main thing that it clashes with is how I've been raised.

People have made me question things about myself...
How deep of a person am I really? Am I really as "vapid and empty" as one thinks? Do I really value my morals or is that just how I've been raised? Is my faith really that important to me, or is that just something that I grasp onto in time of need? How good of a friend am I? When I say I'm there for someone, am I actually there or am I just 'all talk'? Is this really how I want to live my life? Is this really what I'm meant to be doing at this stage in my life? Am I bitter against certain individuals? Am I really that 'bitch' that people have been calling me? Am I in love? Do I love life, or is it just easier to laugh and smile instead of showing how I really feel? Is my smile actually genuine or a cover up? Why do I end up pushing away people/guys after they get to know me? What really is wrong with me as a person? When people point out my flaws, do I just go and hide them or deny them? Or do I take them into consideration and say I'll change them? Do I actually attempt to change them or am I just 'all talk'? Do I put others down just to make myself feel better? Do I cause drama because I thrive off of it or because I really want to know the answers to my questions? Do I actually really love drama or do I partake in it because it's all I know?

It took me so long to find out who I was in high school, I didn't realize that I was actually happy with myself until the end of my junior year and to start that search all over again is exhausting. That's a lot of questions about myself that I will probably never be able to answer.

...

Now that that entry went to something that I didn't expect, I need to go to bed. I have bio test tomorrow and all that fun stuff. I may just add onto this sometime. Who knows. I enjoy this vox journal...no one knows about it, and yet anyone can see it. I have a link in my IM profile, but that doesn't mean people actually click it. So here's to you...you are beautiful.

No one is alone, the way you are Alone.

"What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you say you love thats what matters. That's the only thing that counts."

So I just got back from seeing the movie "The Last Kiss" with Zach Braff. It was a good movie, in my opinion (although the people I went with may disgaree with me). I just needed to cry, and some of the things in it just brought me to tears.

That quote brought up a lot of things in me. I've only just come to realize that I really do treat people that I like & love horribly. I make fun of them (even though I think they can take the teasing), I have a tendency to make things revolve around me, I complain alot to get my way and if I don't get my way I 'pout'. I feed into gossip and lies; it's what my high school life revolved around. I can portray myself as this selfless person to everyone and that I care about everything, but once people get to know me they don't neccessarily like what they find and then they leave me/my life. That's pathetic. Am I really as two faced as I'm sitting here saying?

My best friends and those around me know how to 'handle' me when I'm in my moods. They know not to feed into it and to just leave me be...but what if a person doesn't know? I suppose as time goes on, people get to know the real person inside but my problem is, I'm really not liking that person inside.

So it's time to change.

I'm not doing this for anyone specific, even though some people were the ones who really made me see this within myself...I'm doing this for me. I would never change who I am for anyone besides myself.

Where did I go wrong I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness, and I would have stayed up with you all night had I known, How To Save A Life.

"We're old." Barb said to me as I was leaving tonight. She's right. As Carrie was sitting next to me today at the wedding and crying, I couldn't believe that we were witnessing one of our close friends in high school getting married to the man she had been engaged to since 2004. On the way to the church I was in shock. I'm only 19 years old! She's only 19! She's getting married! She's having a baby! I've never had a relationship last more than three months and people have already found their soulmates, the ones they want to be with for the rest of their lives. It was depressing in a way to sit there and watch Barb and Tim dance their first dance, but in another way: I AM only 19. I have a long life ahead of me and many future relationships to have. So I guess I'm going off what the Ataris said...

"Being grown up, isn't half as fun as growing up, these are the best days of our lives. The only thing that matters is just following your heart, and eventually you'll finally get it right."

I am off to bed because it's been a long, but fun day!

Well allow me to get used to the whole vox thing...I enjoy the fact that you can add your favorite books and music. It's rather fun. I've been looking for something else to post in publicly just for the heck of it. I have my livejournal and I have my myspace blogs...but this seems unique. And even moreso unique in the fact that you have to have an invite code. I remember when you had to have an invite code for livejournal. Those were the days! So where to begin...

I move into school in a week. I've been looking forward to this day for quite sometime and I don't know why. I think it's because I miss the freedom of school. Of waking up to an empty room and knowing that my parents aren't sitting at the kitchen table when I wake up. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and my family; but there's just the experience of college that I loved so much my freshman year that's making me want to return back. I, however, do not want to leave Slinger. At all. Everyone's here, and they have been for the entire summer and yet I was stupid and didn't do anything with anyone (other than a few specific people) and then realized that I wanted to hang out with others and am now crammed for the amount of time I have to see everyone. I made every effort to stay close friends with a lot of people back home during school and now that I'm home, I haven't really called anyone. Eric specifically. He and I would call each other whenever we wanted someone to talk to on the walk back from class or in between classes. It was a weekly/every 2 week type thing; and then we got home and didn't call each other at all. Amazing how that turns out. There's quite a few people in high school that I loved and wanted to keep in contact with and I can honestly say that I think I've achieved keeping in contact fairly well (thanks to facebook and myspace mainly!) I don't know...high school was so long ago already and it's a crazy thought! Sitting at graduation watching "my babies" walk across the stage was so surreal for me. In high school I don't think I really was in a group. It's weird. I always get picked on by Ang and Kay for my "social status" in high school. Kayla and I were talking yesterday about how neither of us really knew how we ended up being best friends. I think it's because we're just such opposites, that we balance out each other. I was always one to walk down the hallway with a smile on my face and people would say hi to me. And if I wasn't smiling, people whom I never really talked to before would come up and ask me what was wrong. And now I'm getting off on my "I miss high school" rant; so I'll stop. Needless to say: I miss my friends at college and once I get back I'll miss my Slinger friends - so I can't win. Either way, I'm very excited for the new semester, especially my new job.

I've talked about it a ton...I think that's one of the reasons why I'm not scared to start fresh. Because I have to be a positive role model for the 22 incoming freshman that have me as their peer mentor. My day can go from the worst ever to the best yet because of getting an e-mail saying that their excited for orientation. Everything's going to be different this fall...I've got a new job, a new boyfriend, a new roommate, a new major/minor, but I'm still the same old me. Which is what made my first year so wonderful, so here's to hoping for the best and getting the best in the Fall semester of 2006!

Tomorrow starts 6th Grade Beginner Band Camp that I help out with every year for my mom. I've been doing it since I was in 7th grade and each year I anticipate it even more. I think it's because the same volunteers come back every year. I only get to see some of them for this week long time period and then we all go to different colleges. It's weird to think that this is really my last week at home. This Sunday was the last full Sunday that I will be home. I did this my senior year..."the last first day of school" and blah blah blah. I've been talking so much about how much I want to get back to college; and by college I mean the college LIFE. I am not looking forward to my classes at all. I'm excited to learn stuff, but I don't have that much confidence in myself. I switched from pre-business to social work. All my friends that I made last year popped up in my 2nd semester classes because we were all the same major. So basically: I don't really have any friends that will be in any of my classes. So this promises to be fun! I'm a social person...I'll manage. :D

I don't know of anything else I could babble about...although I'm sure I could find something. However, I need to get to bed because I have to be up at 7am to be ready for Band Camp!

Here's to new beginnings!